Every beat, in order, with its cues

“Good evening. This is the after-action report for Friday the fourth of September.”

• 1.35scount — on “after-action report”

“Seven of you. Six and a half hours. Seven hundred and sixty-two deaths.”

• 0.00scount — on “Seven of you”
• 2.60sflash — on “seven hundred and sixty-two deaths”

“That is one of you dying every thirty-one seconds, continuously, from nine in the evening until half past two in the morning. At no point did anybody suggest stopping.”

• 1.51scount — on “every thirty-one seconds”
• 9.11sflash — on “suggest stopping”

“The first death of the night was Darren's, thirteen seconds after the recording started. He had not, at that point, organised anything.”

• 2.28scount — on “thirteen seconds”
• 6.30sflash — on “organised anything”

“Between twenty-eight and thirty-three minutes past nine, the seven of you died thirty-seven times. One death every eight seconds, for five minutes. The night was sixteen minutes old.”

• 4.24scount — on “thirty-seven times”
• 11.99sflash — on “sixteen minutes old”

“For the record, nobody's health ever dropped below one hundred, out of two hundred, at any point. There is no such thing as wounded here. You went directly from fine to dead, seven hundred and sixty-two times.”

• 2.21scount — on “below one hundred”
• 9.89sflash — on “fine to dead”

“Before we begin, the entire in-game chat log for the evening. Three lines. All of them from Jacob. The first one is the number one.”

• 3.93scount — on “Three lines”
• 4.92srows — on “All of them from Jacob”
• 7.00sflash — on “the number one”

“We will go through you one at a time. It seemed fairer than doing it all at once.”

• 0.78scount — on “one at a time”

“RoryPicko. A hundred and thirty-seven kills. A hundred thousand pounds. And the banger meeting.”

• 1.15scount — on “hundred and thirty-seven kills”
• 4.52srow · Banger heats won — on “the banger meeting”

“He finished first in every category that pays, and he did it from a police helicopter, in which he spent more of the evening than anybody spent in anything. He also said almost nothing all night. We assume that was tactical.”

• 3.75srow · Police Maverick — on “police helicopter”
• 9.91sflash — on “almost nothing all night”

“His one appearance as a criminal ended up Mount Chiliad, on foot, standing perfectly still. The police, at five stars, laid a stinger strip in front of him. He was doing nought miles an hour. He had been doing nought miles an hour for thirty-three seconds. They arrested him five seconds later, and we can only assume the stinger helped.”

• 4.20scount — on “standing perfectly still”
• 8.29sflash — on “laid a stinger strip”
• 21.48sflash — on “the stinger helped”

“He is also the only person who visited the Galileo Observatory. One photograph, three hundred and twenty-nine metres up, alone, admiring the view. In the next photograph he is dead, seven kilometres away, in La Puerta. We have not been able to account for the eight seconds in between.”

• 5.16scount — on “three hundred and twenty-nine metres”
• 12.52sflash — on “seven kilometres away”
• 17.73sflash — on “eight seconds in between”

“At twelve minutes past eleven he bought fifty points of body armour and died in the same photograph. Zero seconds. That is the fastest return on an investment recorded all night.”

• 5.52scount — on “Zero seconds”
• 8.96sflash — on “return on an investment”

“Adrian. One thousand, seven hundred and eighty shots fired. More than anybody. By a considerable margin.”

• 1.40scount — on “seven hundred and eighty shots”
• 5.09sflash — on “considerable margin”

“Those shots produced one hundred and seven kills. That works out at sixteen bullets per person. We checked it twice. That is not a rate of fire, that is a hobby.”

• 1.02srow · Kills — on “one hundred and seven kills”
• 3.92scount — on “sixteen bullets per person”
• 9.66sflash — on “that is a hobby”

“He also won Food Chain, a game in which everybody hunts one specific person. He won it with six thousand five hundred and ninety pounds in the bank, at the exact second TimmyTim shot him dead. TimmyTim had the wrong man. Adrian was declared the winner while lying on the floor.”

• 0.46srows — on “won Food Chain”
• 5.60scount — on “six thousand five hundred and ninety pounds”
• 13.19srow · TimmyTim shot Adrian — on “wrong man”
• 16.39sflash — on “lying on the floor”

“In the triathlon, Adrian took three minutes and fifty-one seconds to complete the running leg. Congo ran the same leg in one minute sixteen. The steward, according to the record, sent out for a sandwich.”

• 1.79scount — on “three minutes and fifty-one seconds”
• 10.11sflash — on “sent out for a sandwich”

“At seventeen minutes past one, Adrian was recorded ninety-three metres below sea level, in the Pacific Ocean, on foot, and alive. We have no explanation, and we have chosen not to ask.”

• 3.17scount — on “ninety-three metres”
• 11.27sflash — on “chosen not to ask”

“Congo. He bought a Bravado Banshee, a Nagasaki Frogger, and then a helicopter, which tells you everything you need to know about how the Banshee went.”

• 1.49srow · Banshee — on “Bravado Banshee”
• 9.24sflash — on “how the Banshee went”

“He produced three of the ten heaviest impacts of the evening, in three different vehicles, and died eighty-nine times. At no point did he slow down. We have checked.”

• 0.52scount — on “three of the ten heaviest impacts”
• 5.54srow · Deaths — on “died eighty-nine times”
• 10.77sflash — on “We have checked”

“At fourteen minutes to one he submitted an idea: Rooftop Dodgems, on lawnmowers, three bumps and you win. It was designed, built, and running thirteen minutes and thirty-nine seconds later. He then came last in it.”

• 11.21scount — on “thirteen minutes and thirty-nine seconds”
• 15.42sflash — on “came last in it”

“When everybody was given fifty thousand pounds, Congo spent twenty-nine and a half thousand of it in ninety-three seconds. A Banshee, a stealth upgrade, a fake dot on the map, and a jammer. In the following ten minutes, nobody else spent a penny.”

• 5.19scount — on “ninety-three seconds”
• 7.24srows — on “A Banshee”
• 14.23sflash — on “nobody else spent a penny”

“Congo also spent more of the night underneath the map than the other six of you put together. One hundred and fifty-nine photographs of him below the ground, the deepest a hundred and ninety metres under Mount Chiliad. He was not looking for anything. He was just there.”

• 4.22srows — on “put together”
• 5.12scount — on “One hundred and fifty-nine photographs”
• 15.71sflash — on “He was just there”

“Casey. Eighty-six miles driven, which is the most of anybody. One hundred and sixty-eight deaths, which is also the most of anybody.”

• 0.55scount — on “Eighty-six miles”
• 4.05srow · Deaths — on “sixty-eight deaths”

“Those two facts are related.”

• 1.02sflash — on “are related”

“Twenty-two of his deaths came within fifteen seconds of being brought back to life. Twenty-two times, the city restored him, and he immediately found a way. TimmyTim managed that twice all night.”

• 0.00scount — on “Twenty-two of his deaths”
• 9.09srows — on “found a way”
• 12.08sflash — on “twice all night”

“The record contains forty-one separate photographs of Casey's corpse still holding a pistol. He was dead, and he was armed, and he was not letting go.”

• 1.01scount — on “forty-one separate photographs”
• 9.08sflash — on “not letting go”

“In his defence, he suggested four of the five new games we built that evening. Naked tag. Lawnmowers. A lawnmower race on the beach. And a bicycle drag race. So Casey is not the problem. Casey is simply the worst at it.”

• 1.68scount — on “four of the five new games”
• 15.16sflash — on “the worst at it”

“He was arrested twice. Both times on Hawick Avenue, in Burton. Seventy metres apart. Seventy-three minutes apart. He has a spot.”

• 4.58scount — on “Seventy metres apart”
• 8.91sflash — on “He has a spot”

“The phrase, Casey versus the entire city, get the popcorn, was broadcast to the whole room eleven times. That is not a game. That is just what happened when nothing was organised.”

• 2.72srows — on “get the popcorn”
• 5.61scount — on “eleven times”
• 10.86sflash — on “nothing was organised”

“TimmyTim. Seven kills. Forty-three thousand, six hundred and twenty pounds.”

• 0.71scount — on “Seven kills”
• 2.76srow · Finished on — on “six hundred and twenty pounds”

“That is roughly six thousand pounds per kill, comfortably the best rate of the night, and he achieved it by wearing body armour for fifty-three minutes and hiding inside a clown van.”

• 3.57scount — on “best rate of the night”
• 6.56srow · Armour worn — on “body armour”
• 9.74sflash — on “inside a clown van”

“At one point he stood completely still on Elgin Avenue for nine and a half minutes. One point six metres of movement in total. Eight seconds before that, he had been doing a hundred and twelve miles an hour. We assume something happened in between.”

• 4.16scount — on “nine and a half minutes”
• 11.96sflash — on “hundred and twelve miles an hour”
• 15.65sflash — on “in between”

“When he was the suspect, the public rang the police thirty-two times in six minutes. Ten of those calls came in fifty-six seconds. Four of them in seven seconds flat, immediately after he got into a Bullet, which is a car people notice.”

• 5.18scount — on “Ten of those calls”
• 15.22sflash — on “car people notice”

“JacobMBR. Arrived late. Drove thirty miles. Won the triathlon by three seconds. Went home.”

• 2.44scount — on “Drove thirty miles”
• 5.95sflash — on “Went home”

“His final act of the evening was to carry a tazer five point six kilometres, for nearly six minutes, without using it once. Then he logged off. We think he was looking for somebody specific.”

• 3.25scount — on “five point six kilometres”
• 13.41sflash — on “somebody specific”

“He logged off at two minutes past eleven. Fifty-two minutes later, everybody was given fifty thousand pounds. He is the only one of the seven who got nothing, and we would like to say that this was a coincidence.”

• 2.48scount — on “Fifty-two minutes later”
• 10.38sflash — on “got nothing”

“Darren. One hundred and twenty-seven deaths. Eleven people died back.”

• 1.49scount — on “twenty-seven deaths”
• 2.78sflash — on “Eleven people died back”

“He organised the evening, paid for the server, and at five past nine bought a ninety-thousand-pound Nagasaki Buzzard. At twelve minutes past ten he typed season set one and deleted it himself, along with everything anybody owned. The message read: everything you had is gone. Try not to die.”

• 4.46scount — on “ninety-thousand-pound”
• 11.41srow · Deleted by his own reset — on “deleted it himself”
• 18.70sflash — on “Try not to die”

“At eleven fifty he had five hundred and sixty pounds to his name. He spent five hundred of it to put the words, little cunts, the lot of you, over the public tannoy. Sixteen minutes later he gave everyone fifty thousand pounds. At the moment he did so, he was the poorest man in the room.”

• 4.85scount — on “five hundred of it”
• 7.94sflash — on “the lot of you”
• 17.50sflash — on “poorest man in the room”

“As a criminal, he generated four point nine emergency calls per minute, which makes him the most reported man in Los Santos. As a police officer, he paid fifteen hundred pounds to put a bounty on Adrian. Congo collected it two minutes later. Darren got nothing, which is becoming a theme.”

• 1.41scount — on “four point nine”
• 4.78srows — on “most reported man”
• 15.57sflash — on “becoming a theme”

“He also won Hold the Hill, having held the hill for one second, because he stopped the game. And he won a round of Tag by stopping that after five seconds as well. He was, throughout, the one in charge.”

• 3.22scount — on “one second”
• 12.50sflash — on “the one in charge”

“At twenty-nine minutes past one he teleported everybody two and a half kilometres straight up. The fourth command came back, no such player, because Adrian had gone to bed. Darren then fell two thousand five hundred and two metres in seventy-two seconds, at seventy-six metres per second, and died on contact with the Pacific.”

• 4.70scount — on “straight up”
• 10.29sflash — on “gone to bed”
• 19.84srow · Darren — on “died on contact”

“Casey fell two thousand two hundred and ninety metres into the sea off Paleto Bay, in seventy-six seconds, and lived. He reached the seabed with a hundred and seventy-five health. Congo, meanwhile, was in a helicopter, and simply flew down. Nobody had told the other two that was an option.”

• 6.50scount — on “and lived”
• 14.94sflash — on “simply flew down”
• 18.27sflash — on “that was an option”

“Earlier in the evening, everybody had been issued a parachute. Across the entire night, not one was opened. Including by the two men who had just fallen two and a half kilometres.”

• 5.02scount — on “not one was opened”
• 9.02sflash — on “two and a half kilometres”

“Darren spent forty-two percent of his evening standing completely still. A hundred and seven minutes, doing nothing at all. He was, throughout that period, also the one in charge.”

• 0.76scount — on “forty-two percent”
• 9.95sflash — on “also the one in charge”

“This is everywhere you went. Every red mark is somewhere you kept going back to.”

• 0.68smap — on “everywhere you went”
• 3.74scount — on “kept going back to”

“You had an entire island. You used about a sixth of it, and two and a half hours of that was one road in Vespucci.”

• 2.43scount — on “about a sixth of it”
• 5.28srow · Vespucci Blvd — on “one road in Vespucci”

“Goma Street, in La Puerta, killed forty-four of you in twelve and a half minutes, between twenty-two and thirty-five minutes past nine. It then never killed anybody again. We do not know what was on Goma Street. Neither, evidently, did you.”

• 2.28scount — on “forty-four of you”
• 9.33sflash — on “never killed anybody again”
• 14.26sflash — on “Neither, evidently, did you”

“For half the night nothing was organised at all. No game running, nobody in charge, the whole city available. You went to the same three places anyway.”

• 0.13scount — on “half the night”
• 6.78smap — on “same three places”

“Ninety-one percent of the deaths we have on camera happened with no game running. The organised part of the evening was, statistically, the safe part.”

• 0.00scount — on “Ninety-one percent”
• 2.96srows — on “no game running”
• 7.14sflash — on “the safe part”

“In five and a quarter hours, the longest all seven of you were in the same district at once was two minutes and eighteen seconds, in Paleto Bay. It was a group activity in the way a fire is a group activity.”

• 5.24scount — on “two minutes and eighteen seconds”
• 10.36sflash — on “a fire is a group activity”

“The sky changed hands ninety-one times. Every game takes control of the time of day, and every time one stopped, nature got it back. At eleven minutes past eleven, nature held the sky for exactly one second.”

• 1.36scount — on “ninety-one times”
• 7.26srows — on “nature got it back”
• 12.07sflash — on “exactly one second”

“The city was emptied of every pedestrian and car twenty-five times, and refilled twenty-five times. For fifty-nine minutes of the night there was nobody in Los Santos but you. The shortest empty spell lasted two seconds. It is not clear why that one was necessary.”

• 2.87scount — on “twenty-five times”
• 15.84sflash — on “two seconds”

“This is the whole night, played back at speed. Three hundred and sixteen minutes of you. It begins quietly.”

• 0.42slapse — on “the whole night”
• 2.33scount — on “Three hundred and sixteen minutes”
• 5.34sflash — on “begins quietly”

“It stops being quiet. Each light is one of you, and you will notice that they keep ending up in the same place as each other.”

• 0.13slapse — on “stops being quiet”
• 1.41scount — on “Each light is one of you”
• 6.06sflash — on “same place as each other”

“And this is after midnight. This is the point at which the evening got away from everybody.”

• 0.52slapse — on “after midnight”
• 3.10scount — on “got away from everybody”

“Four minutes past midnight. Strawberry. Six of you, nose to tail, averaging one hundred and thirty-three miles an hour.”

• 0.00slapse — on “Four minutes past midnight”
• 5.22scount — on “thirty-three miles an hour”

“There was no game running at the time. Nobody organised that. Nobody was chasing anybody. You simply could not think of anything else to do.”

• 0.29slapse — on “no game running”
• 6.44sflash — on “anything else to do”

“The longest pursuit of the night ran for two full minutes, out of Del Perro and up the coast road. Five cars, eighty-five miles an hour, and at no stage did anybody catch anybody.”

• 0.21slapse — on “longest pursuit”
• 2.06scount — on “two full minutes”
• 11.59sflash — on “catch anybody”

“The fastest anybody went in an actual car was Adrian, at a hundred and thirty-five miles an hour, down Vespucci Boulevard, in a police cruiser he had no business being in.”

• 4.42scount — on “thirty-five miles an hour”
• 6.22srows — on “Vespucci Boulevard”
• 9.04sflash — on “no business being in”

“Four of you set your personal best in a helicopter. Those have been removed from the table, along with our respect.”

• 3.65sflash — on “removed from the table”

“The bicycle drag race. Five of you, on BMXs, two kilometres from Baytree Canyon down to Panorama Drive. It was advertised as uphill.”

• 0.14slapse — on “bicycle drag race”
• 6.95sflash — on “advertised as uphill”

“Congo won it by three seconds. Casey and Darren crossed the line together, which is the closest finish of the entire night, and they were fighting for second. Adrian arrived a minute and a half later, having at no point fallen off. He was simply pedalling.”

• 0.00slapse — on “Congo won it”
• 1.08scount — on “three seconds”
• 14.78sflash — on “simply pedalling”

“Five of you were on lawnmowers at the same moment, at twenty to one. The fastest speed ever achieved on a lawnmower, all night, was fourteen miles an hour. Lawnmowers Only was started three times and never once produced a finisher.”

• 8.22scount — on “fourteen miles an hour”
• 13.08sflash — on “never once produced a finisher”

“At nineteen minutes past ten, six of you were flying crop dusters simultaneously. All seven of you had one within four minutes. Eleven air mail deliveries were posted that night. Eight of the helicopters were written off. None of the parcels arrived.”

• 2.16scount — on “six of you”
• 13.41sflash — on “None of the parcels arrived”

“We also logged the ten heaviest impacts of the evening. The worst of them was one hundred and eighteen miles an hour, down to a complete standstill.”

• 0.88srows — on “ten heaviest impacts”
• 4.60scount — on “eighteen miles an hour”

“That was TimmyTim, arriving at Paleto Bay in a crop duster. Not landing at Paleto Bay. Arriving.”

• 2.53srow · TimmyTim — on “in a crop duster”
• 5.87sflash — on “Arriving”

“Second place goes to Congo, who took a jet ski from ninety-three miles an hour to a dead stop in eight metres. He did this using the beach.”

• 2.93scount — on “ninety-three miles an hour”
• 7.44sflash — on “using the beach”

“We interrupt this programme. This is Weazel News. Police are in pursuit of a stolen lifeguard truck heading west out of Del Perro at speed. We go live to the Weazel chopper.”

• 0.00sflash — on “We interrupt this programme”
• 4.37slapse — on “Police are in pursuit”
• 8.80scount — on “at speed”

“Thanks, studio. Five stars, five units, and one man in a lifeguard truck who has now been a lifeguard for six and a half minutes. He's on the Great Ocean Highway, Pacific Bluffs, Banham Canyon, Chumash, and he is not slowing down. The police helicopter has him. That's RoryPicko flying it, and he's said nothing all night, so I'll assume that's a yes.”

• 0.88slapse — on “Five stars”
• 12.46sflash — on “not slowing down”
• 19.25sflash — on “assume that's a yes”

“And can we slow that down. Look at him. Seven minutes now, in a lifeguard truck, on a beach road, at eighty-seven miles an hour, with a police helicopter over his head, and he is still, in his heart, a lifeguard.”

• 0.38slapse — on “slow that down”
• 1.38sbaywatch — on “Look at him”
• 6.13scount — on “eighty-seven miles an hour”
• 10.91sflash — on “in his heart, a lifeguard”

“Stinger down. Another stinger. A third stinger. He's through all three. TimmyTim is on him now, and I am watching this, he is eighty centimetres off his bumper. Eighty centimetres. And he does not have him.”

• 0.00slapse — on “Stinger down”
• 7.17scount — on “eighty centimetres off his bumper”
• 10.75sflash — on “does not have him”

“And that's it. Lago Zancudo. Seven minutes, thirty-nine seconds, and he's in custody. Officers are recovering the takings now, and I'm being told the takings are nil. Nothing. He stole a lifeguard truck and drove it to a lake. Back to you.”

• 0.19slapse — on “that's it”
• 8.78scount — on “takings are nil”
• 12.27sflash — on “drove it to a lake”

“Thank you. Weazel News will be back at eleven with more on the man in the lifeguard truck. We now return you to your scheduled programme.”

• 0.00slapse — on “Thank you”
• 8.94sflash — on “scheduled programme”

“That was the closest anybody came to catching anybody all night. It was also, technically, the closest racing. Neither of the men involved was a lifeguard.”

• 0.64slapse — on “closest anybody came”
• 5.70scount — on “the closest racing”
• 8.86sflash — on “was a lifeguard”

“The public telephoned the police one hundred and sixty-three times. That is one emergency call every twenty-two seconds, for as long as any of you was a criminal.”

• 1.62scount — on “one hundred and sixty-three times”
• 5.73sflash — on “every twenty-two seconds”

“Forty-five of those calls were about driving on the pavement. Thirteen were about a car that was not moving. Three were about gunfire. This city has its priorities.”

• 1.66srow · Driving on the pavement — on “driving on the pavement”
• 5.81srow · Gunfire — on “Three were about gunfire”
• 9.14sflash — on “has its priorities”

“Thirteen of the calls were anonymous tips, which the city invents when it has completely lost you. All thirteen were about Congo and Casey. Nobody else was ever so thoroughly missing that the city had to make something up.”

• 0.00scount — on “Thirteen of the calls”
• 8.03srows — on “Congo and Casey”
• 14.14sflash — on “make something up”

“Eleven of you attempted armed robbery. Nine were arrested. Two wandered off. Nobody, at any point, escaped.”

• 0.00scount — on “Eleven of you”
• 2.22srows — on “Nine were arrested”
• 6.95sflash — on “escaped”

“Between all eleven attempts, you stole eight hundred and forty-five pounds. Seven of you stole nothing whatsoever. The getaway helicopter cost ninety thousand.”

• 2.13scount — on “eight hundred and forty-five pounds”
• 5.19sflash — on “stole nothing whatsoever”
• 8.16sflash — on “cost ninety thousand”

“The eight hundred and forty-five pounds breaks down as follows. Six hundred and sixty-one pounds from a car window Congo put through, described by the insurer as mostly novelty lighters. And one hundred and eighty-four pounds from a wallet Casey lifted, described as mostly crisps. Congo had chosen bank robber.”

• 9.35sflash — on “mostly novelty lighters”
• 16.26sflash — on “mostly crisps”
• 18.79sflash — on “chosen bank robber”

“Eleven stinger strips were deployed. Four of them were laid in front of a car that was actually moving. Two of those worked. The other seven were laid in front of a suspect already doing under thirty, one of whom was on foot.”

• 1.84scount — on “Four of them”
• 5.21srows — on “Two of those worked”
• 10.76sflash — on “one of whom was on foot”

“The police helicopter spotted a suspect in six rounds. All six ended in an arrest. Nobody the helicopter saw got away. The longest anybody survived after being spotted from the air was Adrian, at three minutes and twenty-four seconds. Casey managed three seconds.”

• 2.18scount — on “six rounds”
• 12.76srows — on “three minutes and twenty-four seconds”
• 15.83sflash — on “three seconds”

“The shortest round of the night lasted twelve seconds. RoryPicko was dealt shop robber, five officers were mustered, the whistle went, and one second later the round was stopped by the management, because the management wanted Congo to have a go instead. Rory was dead thirty-eight seconds after that. Unrelated.”

• 1.81scount — on “twelve seconds”
• 12.89sflash — on “Congo to have a go”
• 18.21sflash — on “Unrelated”

“Which brings us back to Jacob. Four minutes to eleven. He is stood completely still in Mission Row.”

• 0.67scount — on “back to Jacob”
• 4.63smap — on “still in Mission Row”

“All six of you are within seventy-five metres of him. One of you is one metre away. Nobody finds him for sixty-five seconds.”

• 1.07sflash — on “within seventy-five metres”
• 3.90scount — on “one metre away”
• 6.64sflash — on “sixty-five seconds”

“The triathlon. Jacob won it by three seconds from RoryPicko. Darren wrote off three separate vehicles in six minutes, was described in the record as a scrappage scheme with a finish line, and still came third.”

• 1.38srows — on “Jacob won it”
• 5.25scount — on “three separate vehicles”
• 11.67sflash — on “still came third”

“Congo, Adrian and Casey did not finish. All three of them were defeated by the aeroplane leg. Casey was last seen, and we quote, arguing with a hillside.”

• 1.74srow · Congo — on “did not finish”
• 9.25sflash — on “arguing with a hillside”

“In the one game of Tag that ran properly, there were sixteen tags in about a minute. Congo was involved in ten of them and was tagged six times, which is more than anybody. Adrian won it by not being caught for two and a half minutes, which suggests the shooting earlier was optional.”

• 7.35scount — on “tagged six times”
• 16.90sflash — on “was optional”

“Hot Potato. The record reads, in full: the potato starts with Darren. Darren held it too long. It lands on RoryPicko. Congo won it, with zero bangs.”

• 4.80sflash — on “Darren held it too long”
• 9.60scount — on “zero bangs”

“You got into ninety-nine different vehicles. Only three of them were used by all seven of you.”

• 0.61scount — on “ninety-nine different vehicles”
• 4.12srows — on “all seven of you”

“The seventh most used vehicle of the evening was a clown van. It beat the Bravado Banshee that somebody paid twenty-five thousand pounds for. It was also the vehicle you most often shared, which means at some point several grown men chose to travel together in a clown van.”

• 2.16scount — on “was a clown van”
• 6.19sflash — on “twenty-five thousand pounds”
• 15.15sflash — on “in a clown van”

“You also spent fifteen minutes on a Jacksheepe lawnmower, twelve in a fire engine, and six seconds in a Vapid Minivan. The minivan remains unexplained.”

• 1.68scount — on “Jacksheepe lawnmower”
• 4.72srow · Minivan — on “six seconds in a Vapid Minivan”
• 7.52sflash — on “remains unexplained”

“The world modifiers were pressed one hundred and forty-one times, almost all of them after one in the morning. Moon gravity fifty-seven times. Super jump forty-three. Off, twenty. Slow motion was pressed four times and sprint three times, and neither of those existed. The console said done every time.”

• 7.44scount — on “fifty-seven times”
• 11.20srow · Put it back — on “Off, twenty”
• 16.60sflash — on “neither of those existed”

“For two thirds of the entire night, the weapon in your hands was your fists. Seven thousand shots were fired, and yet six of the seven of you carried fists more than anything else. The exception was Jacob, who carried a gun, said nothing, and left.”

• 0.22scount — on “two thirds”
• 3.79srows — on “your fists”
• 15.48sflash — on “and left”

“The house took two hundred and twenty-four thousand pounds off the dead. Two hundred and forty-nine of your deaths hit the five-hundred-pound cap. Ninety-two of them were charged the minimum, because the deceased was skint.”

• 1.39scount — on “twenty-four thousand pounds”
• 10.62sflash — on “deceased was skint”

“At sixteen minutes past one, Congo drove a single van to Legion Square and withdrew one hundred and thirty-nine thousand, one hundred and twenty-five pounds from it, in one go. It is the largest number in the evening's records. Four minutes later he bought a helicopter.”

• 5.28scount — on “one hundred and thirty-nine thousand”
• 15.38sflash — on “bought a helicopter”

“Another van, carrying eleven thousand pounds, was offered six times in fifty-five minutes. Nobody went for it once. Timeout. Timeout. Lost. Timeout. Timeout. It is still there.”

• 1.34srow · Left in the pot — on “eleven thousand pounds”
• 6.38scount — on “Nobody went for it”
• 15.27sflash — on “still there”

“The fifty thousand pounds was handed out at six minutes past midnight to whoever was still there. These were the balances at that moment. The host was bottom.”

• 0.12scount — on “fifty thousand pounds”
• 5.83srows — on “balances at that moment”
• 7.36sflash — on “The host was bottom”

“Season one, night one, is closed. Thank you. Genuinely. Seven of you gave up a Friday evening in order to be arrested by each other.”

• 0.00scount — on “Season one, night one”
• 6.52sflash — on “arrested by each other”

“The last thirty-three minutes of the night were Congo, alone on the server, on full health, sat in the Banshee, parked on Vespucci Boulevard, not moving, holding a pistol. The final record is at twenty-eight minutes past two. We do not know what he was waiting for.”

• 0.43scount — on “thirty-three minutes”
• 9.36sflash — on “holding a pistol”
• 16.61sflash — on “waiting for”

“The last death of the night was Congo's, at four minutes past two, on Atlee Street. For the remaining twenty-four minutes, nothing happened to anybody. It is the longest anyone went without dying all night, and it required everybody else to leave.”

• 2.38scount — on “four minutes past two”
• 7.65sflash — on “nothing happened to anybody”
• 14.85sflash — on “everybody else to leave”

“There is, however, a new Grand Theft Auto on the way. Statistically, this was the last time the seven of us will ever do this.”

• 0.92scount — on “a new Grand Theft Auto”
• 4.68sflash — on “the last time”

“So on behalf of the city of Los Santos: thank you for your custom, and please do not come back. The roads have suffered enough.”

• 2.16scount — on “thank you for your custom”
• 4.67sflash — on “do not come back”

“Seven idiots. One island. Seven hundred and sixty-two deaths. Stokeback Mountain, season one. Good night, and drive safely. Somewhere else.”

• 1.93scount — on “Seven hundred and sixty-two deaths”
• 8.12sflash — on “Somewhere else”